I takes a deep breath in as I try to calm myself as I feel his finger brush my cheek, suddenly nauseous, and the butterflies flutter in my stomach. I cannot believe that I have succumbed to his demands, yet again. However, I know I have no choice.
How did I get here, this is not what I planned when I wanted to be part of the business. I thought it would be glamorous, fun, and exciting, I didn’t expect people to judge me and want me to change. I thought that the voices inside my head, telling me that I am not good enough, would be the hardest to hear, but I was so wrong.
They said I was too skinny, they said my nose was too big, no matter what I did, I was never good enough. So I had to do something to be able to cope, to help me feel numb, and be able to go on. I think it is what they wanted in the first place, to make me the headline story, so that I would get attention, even if it makes me look bad.
People began to look down on me, judging me for my actions, they cannot understand how hard it is, and what I have to do, just to be able to make it through the day.
I want to be able to love someone, I want to love myself, but it is so hard, when I can’t stand who I see. I can I love someone, I don’t even know, how can I change, and how can I grow?
So, here I stand, doing what I have to, so that I can afford to support my habit, the one thing that helps me to get through my days. I suck in my sadness, my disappointment, my heartache, and put on the smile, that everyone expects and needs to get through their day. I try to be coy, funny, and personable, even though I am dying inside.
I know everyone has their problems, and mine are nothing compared to some, but deep down inside, I feel as though I am stuck in quicksand and there is no sense in fighting it, or I will continue to sink deeper until I have drown.
Is there anyone who can save me? How can they when they don’t even know, I have done so well hiding it, that no one can see, that I am self-destructing and I cannot find a way back to who I was.
So here I stand, ready to put on another performance, just to get by, how long can I continue down this path? I really don’t know…