Scribbles and bits 59 Three-wooden Crosses

This is not how I ever expected my life to be. I never wanted to be lying on this bed, high from tonight’s dose of coke I had to take in order to get myself here.

I had dreams of being something, maybe going to school, getting a degree, and getting a good job.  I used to dream of the day I would walk down the aisle and marry the man of my dreams, I used to imagine what my children would look like, but now that is the furthest thing from my mind.

I wish I could go back, to the first time I decided it would be a good idea to go to bed with a person for money.  At that time it seemed exciting and fun, what could go wrong? I thought that if I just did a couple times I would have enough money to start my dreams.  I did not know that once I got in, I would never get out. 

I had to start the drugs, in order to feel comfortable climbing into bed with another nasty person who wanted to grope me who I had to let put his hands all over me.  I could not even stand to look at myself anymore.  I felt disgusted with what I was doing. 

Soon, I became addicted to drugs, and had to continue my career as a prostitute to support my habit. 

I went from being a beautiful, young woman, to being a crack whore.  My body became as worn and withered as my soul and self-esteem. 

Yet here I am still turning tricks, and doing drugs, using men who have fallen in love with me to pay off the debts that I have obtained.  Letting my dealers go after the men, instead of taking responsibility myself, and asking them to pay for all of my drugs so that I can get through the day. 

I know there is no turning back, there is no way out, I have gotten in so deep, I can no longer see the light at the top.  I can never set these men free from the misery I have created for them and myself, I will hold onto them and suck them dry as long as I can.  I will continue to drag us down until there is no turning back. 

I hate myself, I hate this life, I hate these drugs, I cannot stand it anymore, it is time for more coke, maybe a drink, anything to blind me from this never-ending pain I have created for myself.  

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Comments

  1. cjb321

    Very good! Thanks smiles

    September 17, 2013
    1. proudmomma8

      thank you

      September 17, 2013
  2. This comment has been deleted
  3. pastormike

    a harrowing look into a troubled soul.. great take on the challenge. not to worry.. i just posted #58. Congratulations!

    September 17, 2013
    1. proudmomma8

      Thank you, I filled my camera with pictures, deleted some, and still had 709! I will have to find some time to edit them, research a little more on Boldt and write about the love story, the loss that he had, and figure out exactly how I was possessed on the island. I became a total different personality and could not concentrate on the beauty and story surrounding me.

      September 17, 2013
      1. pastormike

        writing is like that.. look forward to pics!

        September 17, 2013
        1. proudmomma8

          I meant at the castle, they say that it is haunted, but I believe in a way I was possessed. I was trying to watch the George Boldt’s story in the theater and all I could think about was taking my husband into the closet, walking through the beautiful castle and on the paths and I thought about taking him into some bushes.. I have never been like that!

          September 17, 2013
          1. pastormike

            see? we’re contagious!

            September 17, 2013
            1. proudmomma8

              Yes, I was like watching the movie Freaky Friday- Gary only cared about food, and I could only think about well… we switched personalities!

              September 18, 2013
  4. This comment has been deleted
    1. proudmomma8

      Thank you very much, I am so glad that she did escape that world

      September 17, 2013
  5. ericpgranada

    Thank God its only scribbles and bit.

    September 17, 2013
    1. proudmomma8

      Yes, thank god for that blessing

      September 17, 2013
      1. ericpgranada

        Yes

        September 18, 2013